LightningHunter's Parody of Self Insert Fics
by LightningHunter
Summary: LightningHunter cranks his insanity up to eleven, parodying self insert fics with the drug addled lunatic LH, a man horrified to see people with freakishly large eyes and small noses, whose only answer is to kill everyone.


Well, another parody. This time, a parody on the dreaded self-insert. Enjoy.

Warning, the following story is incredibly insane. One wonders what drugs one was taking prior to writing this. This fic is rated for drug use, profanity, nudity, surprise buttsecks, murder and generally being a dickhead.

Please note the completely original way of getting sucked into a story. Even I wouldn't dare to use that old dream/getting sucked into a telly or computer shit. Instead we have a very long intro that helps flesh out our self insert and his world before he leaves it.

Oh, and this is written in first-person. And I did get bored and finish the fic quite quickly so I didn't bother putting all the characters in. Well, fuck 'em.

* * *

_**Once upon a time in the magical land of Britannia, two friends were conversing...**_

"Naruto is a load of fucking shit," I stated loudly to the busy city and to Phil.

"What has that got to do with anything?" He asked me as he helped me out of the pub and down the pavement.

I turned on him, shocked. "Weren't you just saying that you'd just discovered Naruto and you thought it was the best thing ever?"

"That was three weeks ago, LH," said Phil.

"It was?" I asked. "Then tell me, Father Time. Who stole my lucky boxers?"

"The ones with holes in them?" Phil grimaced. "I told you I threw them away."

"Phil you bastard!" I screamed at him. "Hurry, we must retrieve them from the landfill site!"

"We already did that adventure," said Phil. "They got eaten by a Chihuahua, you punched out a nun and I got violated by a donkey."

"Oh yeah," said I. "Well, never mind. What were we talking about again?"

"Oh, well I said-"

"Naruto is a load of fucking shit," I stated.

Phil slapped his forehead, but failed to as both his hands were busy holding me upright. Instead as he was dragging me forwards, he deliberately slammed his head into a lamppost.

"Haha, Phil you silly fuck, you just walked into a lamppost."

As the two of us passed by an alley, a hoarse yet enticing voice called out to as a siren might to a sailor. "Hey kids. What's your poison?"

"Two shots of cyanide with arsenic and ice, my good man," I said.

The man in the alley looked puzzled by my incredible wit. "Do you want to buy something?" He said, starting to undo his coat.

"Phil, I've told you once, I've told you twice, stop hiring rent-boys when I'm around."

"I told you that was a misunderstanding!" Phil snapped.

The man had finished undoing his coat, revealing not only was he clothed underneath, but also that he was carrying several intriguing items in his pockets.

"Ah, excellent," I said. "I'll have a bag of crack."

"You said you'd stopped doing crack!" Phil snapped again, like a particularly snappy crocodile.

"My friend of the family _Crocodylidae_, I did not lie. I stopped doing crack- because I'd run out of it. Now, my alley friend, fix me up with my precious."

"Sure kid," he said, pulling out a small plastic bag from one of his pockets. He opened it up so I could see the contents, before stating: "And since you seem the type, I'll give you a sample one of my new products. Free of charge."

"Firstly, let me say you are surprisingly well spoken for a drug dealer," I said. "Secondly, why would a drug dealer be giving his drugs for free?"

"Well, as I said, it's new," said the drug dealer. "I don't have a fucking clue what it does, and it doesn't look like any other drug I've got, so I can't just pass it off as one of them. What the fuck am I supposed to sell it as? Who's my target audience here? You take some, and then if you're still alive and coherent, come back and tell me."

"Yeah, okay," I said, taking the two bags and stuffing them into my left trouser pocket.

Phil stared at me as though he thought I was out of my mind. "You're out of your mind," he said. "What if they kill you?"

"That nun might've killed me, but did I submit? No, I struggled on, and defeated her with my mighty Fistful of Lightning attack, no relation to Fistful of Dollars, or Fistful of Metal, or Fistful of- well, you get the idea. I shall defeat these drugs as well."

"Good," said the drug dealer. "That'll be a hundred quid."

I froze, my brain working at light speed to find an answer to this newfound obstacle. "Me no like."

I seized Phil and lifted him into the air, and used him to whack the drug dealer over the head. Phil fell down, but not too hurt. The drug dealer though, had a slight case of premature death as a result of a slightly broken neck.

"Quick Phil!" I said, as I looted his wallet (a long history of video gaming had taught me to always loot the bodies of those I had slain). "Let's steal all his drugs so it looks like a deal gone bad!"

"What the fuck? That was a deal gone bad, dickhead!"

"You see," I said, tapping my nose. "It works."

"We should be trying to connect this to a gang or something if we want to get away with this!" Phil said.

"Of course!" I said. "We should be trying to connect this to a gang or something to get away with this! Another of my brilliant ideas!"

I took a paintbrush from my pocket and dipped it in the drug dealer's blood, writing a message on the walls of the alley.

"Nigel McCornmac has paid the price for crossing The Very Evil Muffin-Wielding Triad Mafia Yakuza Guys. Hugs and Kisses, The Assassin Formerly Known As Geoff Dingleberry."

"It's fucking fool proof," I said, wiping the paintbrush on the now named Nigel to get rid of the blood before I returned it to my pocket. "Let's go."

We left the alley, Phil still being an annoying twat. "You are such an idiot," he said. "Why do I even hang out with you?"

"Because you're gay and everyone you wanted to be friends with turned out to be homophobic. Well, I'm going to try these new special drugs."

"Why?" said Phil. "You don't need to go back to him to tell them what they're like."

"Why?" I stared at Phil as though he'd grown a second head. "You haven't grown a second head."

Phil opened his mouth, then closed it again. He then did this for several seconds before he said: "I know I haven't. But thank you for pointing it out."

"These were the last gift my beloved friend Nigel ever gave me before he was cruelly struck down by The Assassin Formerly Known As Geoff Dingleberry. We shall avenge his death, and the first step on this path is to go back to the pub, have a few drinks and take these drugs in his memory."

Phil groaned and ran into another lamppost. I left him to his stupidity and came back to the pub.

"A pint of your finest ale, good barkeep," I said, clapping my hand on the counter.

The barman filled my glass and placed it before me, and I opened the bag of new drugs Nigel gave me as a birthday present. I poured the powder into the pint, and began to drink, occasionally taking intervals to scream inane words at the sham of a referee who claimed to be refereeing the football match displayed on the telly.

It was when I was about to open my mouth to tell the barman that I knew his wife actually used to be a man when my vision swam.

I lurched on the stool, as great forces suddenly tore through the pub, killing all of its occupants save me, lucky as I owe just about everyone here money. Myself, I was sucked into a dark void.

Drowsily, I stretched out to the cosmos and said: "Naruto's a load of shit."

* * *

"Hey, what are you doing there?" A voice awoke me, and I opened my eyes to find myself lying in a road. Strangely enough, there were no cars to be seen, and the houses looked really weird.

I turned my head to see the owner of the mysterious voice, and gaped in horror.

The poor guy clearly suffered from some unholy syndrome that had cursed him. His eyes were freakishly large, and his nose was freakishly small and somewhat unnoticeable. He'd grown some sort of facial hair that looked strangely like whiskers, no doubt to distract others from his disturbing face- I froze.

I looked around. Many people, all with freakishly large eyes unless they were a character that demanded they always have their eyes closed. Some had eyes that looked like the letter "U".

"Oh, you look like you're okay! Well, I have to go. See you later-"

For the love of God don't let him say-

"Believe it!"

* * *

What purpose had I been brought here? What cruel fate awaited me here?

I lay back in the gutter, musing on important questions as so many others did. Why had the world of Naruto, out of all the worlds that could've been offered to me, be the world I had to get thrown into by a combination of booze, strange drugs, senseless murder and screaming at a referee?

And what purpose, I came to again. What purpose had I to offer?

Fucking Naruto walked by. A flowerpot fell from a balcony, nearly hitting him.

"That was close," he said, to himself, but still out loud. "I might've died! Believe it!" He laughed as though this was just the bee's knees, and then he fucked off.

And it was in that instant, I knew what I had to do.

Kill everyone.

My path would be hard, but ultimately incredibly satisfying.

But without super ninja powers, it appeared I would be unable to kill even these idiots. Firstly, I would need funding. But how would I procure money out of nowhere?

It was then the bag of crack in my pocket suddenly felt heavier all of a sudden. But who in the Naruto world was on drugs?

* * *

"Hello, Mr Guy," I said, after the door to the man's house had been opened. "I represent a firm interested in selling goods, and I was wondering if you would be interested."

"Fascinating!" Guy cried. "A firm interested in selling goods! I am deeply interested as to what sort of goods these might be!"

"How would you like to buy some crack?"

"Crack?" Guy repeated. "I do not follow."

"Well, crack, or crack cocaine, is the freebase form of cocaine that can be smoked," I said. "It may also be termed as rock, hard, iron, cavvy or base. It affects brain chemistry, causing euphoria, supreme confidence, loss of appetite, insomnia, alertness, increased energy, a craving for more cocaine, and potential paranoia."

Guy looked strangely horrified. "Are you talking about drugs? This is terrible! There are few things that are as un-youthful as drugs! My poor boy, have you already been corrupted? You must be cured! This calls for training, and green spandex!"

I paused for about a minute, my face going through strange contortions as I tried to find a way out of this. "I'm sorry, did I say crack as in crack cocaine? I meant crack…as in plumber's crack. Do you suffer from plumber's crack?"

"Ah, I did, but I cured it!" Guy turned around, lifting his green-clad behind into the air. "Isn't spandex amazing?"

"It's a little…revealing, isn't it?" I said, backing away.

"I know!" said Guy. "Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all!"

Nothing at all. Nothing at all. Nothing at all. Ned Flanders' voice echoed in my head as I watched Guy shake his cheeks, myself rooted to the ground with horror, unable to tear my eyes away.

"Guy-sensei, I- oh my god!" It was Rock Lee, who was also now staring at this spectacle. "I never knew!" He ran off, and Guy turned around.

"Lee! Lee, it's not what you think!" He shouted, before running after Lee, leaving me alone.

I proceeded to rob Guy's house. Sadly, there were very few objects of any real worth, although there was an excellent collection of martial arts films, which I gladly kept as a memento of my good friend Guy.

My drug-dealing plan had failed, although not as badly as it had failed for beloved Nigel. I decided I would change my career, but this time, I would check if there was actually demand for my products.

And I'd also need some method to disguise myself.

* * *

"You're an organ trader?" said Shizune.

"Yes," said I, twirling my fake moustache. "And I'm sure the hospital will appreciate these top-quality bargain priced organs my company have to sell them."

"Well, I suppose we have been a little short in donors lately," said Shizune. "Fine. We'll buy any organs you bring, but we'll check them all for quality. Where exactly do you get your organs from?"

"Healthy Old Big-hearted Optimists," said I, rubbing the fake 'tache. "Hobos, for short."

"Well, bring your first delivery as soon as possible," said Shizune.

"Excellent," I said, shaking her hand. "Just two things. One, do you mind if I bring the organs still in their wrapping?"

"…no?"

"And two, can I keep this scalpel?"

"…er, sure, why not."

* * *

"Hey," I said to the first hobo I found. "How would you feel about working for me in exchange for a nice big bottle of vodka?"

"What's vodka?" The hobo asked.

I nearly slapped myself. "I mean, in exchange for a nice big bottle of whatever alcoholic beverage it is you drink in this strange world."

"Sake?" He offered.

"Well if you have some, why do you need me?" I asked.

The hobo looked confused. "Do you have work for me?" He finally said.

"Yep," I replied. "Just bash your head into a wall until you're unconscious- no, that might damage your brain. Er, just come with me down this alley."

I led him down the alley as I took the scalpel out of my pocket.

"Right, now just close your eyes."

He did so and I stabbed him with the scalpel in the chest. However, I had once again forgotten what sort of world I was in.

I was then showered with about three gallons of blood. The hobo spat a few more pints from his mouth, and I wiped my face, only to be thrown into a flashback to be forced to witness the hobo's tragic past in a lame attempt to flesh out his character.

-ENOUGH TIME TO FILL AN EPISODE LATER-

After the flashback, he still didn't die. He had to keep talking about random shit I didn't give a fuck about.

-ENOUGH TIME TO FILL THREE EPISODES LATER-

He finally died and I stuffed him into a sack. Hoisting the sack over my shoulder, I carried him back to the hospital.

* * *

"Erm, when you said in their wrapping, I didn't realise you meant they hadn't been harvested yet," said Shizune, pinching her nose as a result of the stink of the corpse I'd thrown down in front of her. "Who is this?"

"A hobo," I said truthfully.

"I mean his details, I have to fill some paperwork in," she said, grabbing a few forms.

"Oh, his name is Charlie Humphrey," I said. "Will that be all?"

"Well, bring him to the operating table so we can start removing the organs," said Shizune, and I picked up his body.

Over the next five minutes, I watched through the glass Charlie's body was horrifically mutilated as the surgeons searched eagerly for organs. Personally, I thought he'd suffered enough, but he had signed that donor card, and he always had said to me "Now LH, even if you feel you don't want to see your friend be stripped off his organs, give me over to the hospital when I'm dead. It's the right thing to do."

"Alright Charlie," I had said to him as I wiped the tears from my eyes and dried my fake moustache. "I will."

Shizune left the operating room holding a plastic bag. "His liver was considerably damaged and his spleen had ruptured," she said, handing the bag back to me. "I'm afraid we can't accept these."

"Fine, I'll keep them," said I, stuffing the liver into my trouser pocket and the spleen into my shirt pocket.

"So, just for the rest of these forms before we pay you," said Shizune. "Firstly- who are you?"

Crap, I hadn't expected that. I looked down to notice the blood leaking over my shirt as a result of the ruptured spleen, or maybe it had been as a result of Charlie's death when he valiantly sacrificed himself to save me from the wrath of an insane Tony Scalpel. The fake moustache bristled by itself, and I was reminded of how we defeated Tony, by whipping out a pistol I'd concealed in the moustache, and scaring the shit out of him.

"It's Tache," I said. "Spleen Tache."

"Okay, Mr Tache."

"Please, to you it's just Spleen."

"O-kay," said Shizune, marking that down on the form. "What company do you represent?"

"Er, Hatake' s Organ Traders. We're HOT."

Strangely enough, Shizune resisted my incredible charm and wit. "Hatake? You guys are run by Kakashi?"

"Are we past the timeskip?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Then yes," said I. "It was after doing battle with Kakuzu and his crazy heart-switching tricks that Kakashi thought there ought to be a better way to get organs rather than ripping them out of hapless ninja."

"From hobos," said Shizune.

"Exactly, from hobos," said I. "Nothing is quite like the organ you get from a healthy old big-hearted optimist."

"Well, that's everything," said Shizune. "Here's your big bag of money, Spleen."

"Thank you very much," I said, accepting my big bag of money. "Well, goodbye."

* * *

With funds readied, I came up with a plan to kill within mere seconds. In fact, you could say I just saw Kiba and was making up a plan as I went along.

"Hey," I said to him. "Want some crack?"

Kiba seized the bag from my hands. "That's some good crack," he said, looking at it. "What, is this shit for free?"

"Er…yeah?"

"Aw, thanks man," said Kiba, throwing a sweaty arm around my shoulders, pressing my face to his sweaty armpit. "Come on, let's go get wasted and make some life ruining decisions. What's your name?"

"Spleen Tache."

"Well, thanks Spleen," said Kiba. "Come on, let's move."

After an adventure that involved us losing Akamaru in a cemetery, Kiba getting assaulted by a flying dick and me punching out a six-foot turnip, we soon found ourselves completely drunk in a bar somewhere.

I grinned to myself. My brilliant plan was going perfectly.

"Destroy you all!" I laughed aloud.

"Man, you are hilarious," Kiba laughed.

"I will kill you and all your friends!" I continued laughing, as did Kiba.

"That's Spleen for you, such a kidder."

"Say, Kiba. I bet you the rest of the crack that you can't cut your throat with this scalpel in a way that causes blood loss."

"Hahah, you're on bitch!" Kiba said, taking the scalpel from me and putting it to his throat. "Hm, this is trickier than I thought. Ah see, I did it!"

"Another drink to celebrate?" I said.

"Don't mind if I do!" said Kiba, tipping back the bottle of booze.

The booze started leaking through the massive neck wound he now had. It looked pretty disturbing, actually.

"Well, I have to go now," said I, taking back my scalpel. "Well, I guess you won the rest of the crack."

Kiba laughed as I handed him the bag. I heard him laughing as I walked to the door- although he stopped there. I turned around to see him face down in a pool of blood, booze and turnip segments.

* * *

My next strike would be the particularly annoying Hinata. I twirled the fake moustache as I stalked as her as she stalked Naruto.

I walked up to her as she hid behind a lamppost. "Excuse me miss, are you stalking that stupid looking blonde boy?"

She turned red, before stuttering madly. "I-I-I-I"

"Y-Y-Y-Yes or n-n-n-n-no?" I stuttered back.

She looked insulted by my impression. "T-T-T-T-This is a m-m-m-medical c-c-condition, you d-d-d-d-d-dick."

"Oh, I'm terribly s-s-s-s-s-s-"

That turned out to be a bad idea as she kicked me between the legs.

Fortunately I had planned ahead and stuck an iron plate down my pants. She jumped away, hopping as she clutched her foot, stuttering as she tried to swear violently.

"F-F-F-F-F-F-"

I had the feeling she would do that for some time, so I managed to get the iron plate out of my pants and hit her over the head. She was knocked out cold and with a few more twirls of my fake moustache, I had a new plan.

-IN A SOUNDLESS BLACK AND WHITE WORLD-

My fake moustache was slightly over-twirled by this point, but I continued to twirl it deviously as I finished tying Hinata down to the railway line, just in time as she awoke and the train had finally emerged from the tunnel.

She screamed, but no voice came out.

Fortunately the words appeared as the screen turned to black.

-I AM HORRIFIED BY MY PREDICAMENT-

I laughed silently before stating:

-MWAHAHA! THIS CONNIVING MIND OF MINE HAS YOU TRAPPED!-

She looked up at me with defiant eyes.

-I SHALL NOT TARRY HERE LONG! MY KNIGHT IN ORANGE ARMOUR SHALL RESCUE ME, FOUL VILLAIN!-

-THIS RESCUE SHALL BE DELAYED! HE WILL SEARCH FOR YOU AND FIND ONLY RAMEN COUPONS!-

-YOU SCOUNDREL!-

-YEP!-

I twirled my moustache and drank a celebratory glass of milk. When I realised that some of the milk had remained on the 'tache, I ripped it off infuriatedly.

Sadly, so infuriated was I, that I missed the bit when Hinata was actually hit by the train.

It was pretty messy, actually. A lot more than her spleen had ruptured, I'd say that.

* * *

It was time to move on. I may as well have just completed Team 8 when I saw Team 10 in a Korean BBQ restaurant. Wondering why they actually used the term "Korean" when no other country was mentioned by name, I slipped into the restaurant.

I could kill the fat one and blondie with ease, the only trouble would be Shikamaru, the smart one. If I wasn't careful he might end up seeing through all my plans.

Shikamaru stood up and pointed at me. "That guy wants to kill us."

D'oh.

"Shikamaru, sit down, you're embarrassing us," said Ino, pulling him down. "I'm sorry about him!" She shouted at me.

"I'm serious!" Shikamaru said. "He's already murdered Kiba and Hinata!"

"Shikamaru, that's rude!"

"He killed Kiba by betting him he couldn't slit his own throat in a way that causes blood loss and he killed Hinata by tying her to train tracks and-"

"Don't be ridiculous Shikamaru," said Ino. "Firstly, trains haven't been invented in our world. Secondly, even if those are both true, technically he didn't actually kill them."

"Yeah," said Chouji. "Now, shut up as we wait for our order."

I sidled along to one of the waiters, and handed him a bottle of poison. "Could you put this in my friends' food?"

"Huh, that sounds fishy," said the waiter.

"Here, take this," I said, slapping him with a wad of my organ money.

"Okay," he said. "So what is this stuff?"

"…Birth control," I said, praying he wouldn't turn the bottle around and notice the label that said "Deadly Cyanide with Arsenic and Ice: Do Not Add To People's Food, Even If Suspicious People Slap You With A Wad of Organ Money."

"Okay."

I went back to my seat, where I made a very long and convoluted order to throw off the other staff as I waited for Team 10 to receive their food.

"Don't touch your food," said Shikamaru, as the platters were placed down in front of them. "It's been poisoned. That guy paid a waiter to put it over our food."

"Shikamaru, he's looking at us, this is getting really embarrassing now," said Ino.

"Can we eat already?" whined Chouji.

Shikamaru stared at the two of them incredulously. "Do you two have some sort of disease when you act stupid? When I have I ever led you wrong? He's watching us because he wants us to die. I suspect he's someone from another world, and he hates this one. Now, we need to arrest him and take him to the Hokage- what are you guys doing?"

Both of them were already tucking into their food.

"Oh for God's sake Shikamaru, it's fine," said Ino, grabbing some of her food with a fork and stuffing it into Shikamaru's mouth.

Chouji then forced him to chew and swallow it by moving his jaw with his hands. "See?" He said. "It's just fine!"

You can probably guess how that turned out.

* * *

With five dead, I was quite proud of myself. Still, I'd gotten nowhere close to the big targets, such as Naruto himself, or Sasuke and his band of hookers from outer space. Mmm, hookers from outer space.

The problem was people had started catching on. The murders had been reported, and now police- I mean ninja- were on the lookout for the nefarious villain responsible for all of this tomfoolery.

Oh, and they were also looking for a moustached man named Spleen Tache who had connected Kakashi Hatake to the shady business of organ trading. Kakashi was cleared, but he was slightly touchy about the whole subject.

I may have to deal with him. By which I mean I may have to kill him, not have sex with him.

"WHAT?"

Naruto's loud voice rang out in the village, sounding all the way from the Hokage tower.

"YOU FOUND SASUKE? HOLY SHIT I MUST GO AFTER HIM!"

This could be my chance. If only I had some more details about where this was-

"YOU FOUND HIM NEAR THE RIVER EIGHT MILES NORTH OF HERE? FIFTY PACES EAST OF THE ROCK SHAPED LIKE A PENIS WEARING A HOKAGE HAT? I MUST GO THERE IMMEDIATELY!"

Huh, that was convenient. The only problem was that I can't run at super ninja speeds.

"IT'S LUCKY I'LL BE THERE SO QUICK THANKS TO MY SUPER NINJA SPEED! BUT IF I DIDN'T HAVE SUPER NINJA SPEED, I WOULD GO AND PURCHASE iSPEED, THE ONLY DRUG THAT LETS YOU RUN AS FAST AS A NINJA! iSPEED, AVAILABLE FROM ALL REPUTABLE CHEMISTS AND DRUG STORES!"

…convenient. But just all random coincidence, it's not like this would help me find my way back home-

"I'M JUST GOING TO WONDER ON THE POSSIBILITY OF ALTERNATE UNIVERSES! I WONDER HOW YOU'D FIND THE GATES TO THEM! I BET ONE GATE WOULD HAVE AN ENTRANCE TRIGGERED BY DRUG USE AND AN EXIT TRIGGERED BY KILLING AN ANNOYING SPIKY-HAIRED BLUE –EYED BLONDE!"

…right. Time to go buy us some iSpeed.

* * *

Man, this iSpeed was good, I thought as I ran at super ninja speeds.

My only worry was that it had taken me a while to find a chemist and take the iSpeed, and I was kinda worried that I'd show up and it's already be over.

Then as I arrived, I remembered I was in the world of Naruto. The two of them were just screaming random shit at each other.

"Hello," I said, as I stopped with my super ninja speed next to Naruto.

"Who the hell are you?" said Sasuke.

"I'm here to kick-"

"Don't even think about it," Sasuke warned.

"Why, you gonna stop me?"

"Chidori!"

Aw, shit.

"Nooooooooooooooo!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke rammed his Chidori through my chest, and I dropped to the ground, my vision growing dark as blood streamed freely from my torso.

Haha, yeah right.

As the Chidori impacted with me, the jutsu dispersed itself, lightning spreading over my body, yet causing me no harm. Sasuke watched in shock- as the electricity surged forth, paralysing him.

"What the-?" Evidently his face wasn't paralysed.

"It's time I revealed my true form," said I, as I seized Sasuke by the front of his shirt thing. "I am the grandson of the Hunter of Lightning, The Rant King, the Flamer Extraordinaire, the Self-Proclaimed Dick-"

"No!"

"I am your friendly neighbourhood LightningHunter," said I, electricity surging through my body, before I concentrated it into my free hand, which curled to form a fist.

Sasuke watched the fistful of lightning that was only inches away from his head, his face frozen, but whether it was from fear or the paralysation, I couldn't tell.

I smashed my fist into his face, the electricity passing through into his body, and he managed a single, piercing scream.

I released him, but the electricity did not pass through him. His mouth twisted open in silent screams as he was quite horrifically electrocuted, and it was only a matter of time before his blackened body fell to the ground.

"Noooooooooooooooo!" Naruto shouted…again. "You killed Sasuke!"

"Don't be ridiculous," I shouted back at him. "This is just a copy! Those guys know where the real one is!"

"…eh?" Karin, Juugo and Suigetsu, snapping out of their shock from Sasuke's death.

"How do I get them to talk?" Naruto asked me.

"I dunno, butt rape them or something, I'm outta here," said I.

I needed to recharge myself before I took down Naruto. Now that I thought about it, if I had just remembered I had lightning powers earlier I could've probably wiped out the whole damn village by now instead of wasting my time with all of this.

I looked back- only to see Naruto and a few of his Shadow Clones pinning down the rest of Team Hawk.

"Jesus Christ- what the fuck?" I screamed.

Sadly, Naruto was a little preoccupied to hear me, and so I quickly took the rest of my iSpeed to get the fuck out of there, humming "I'm A Little Teapot, Short and Stout" to drown out bad thoughts.

* * *

Anyway, we all found ourselves in the Hokage Tower/Residence building thingy later, when Naruto was a little disappointed that after his long interrogation he had not been able to receive a satisfactory climax.

Which of course meant that Team Hawk had refused to talk.

"So, who are you?" Tsunade asked.

I posed dramatically. Upon realising there was no wind, I quickly ran over to the window, opened it, and ran back to my spot, and posed dramatically again. I don't think anyone noticed.

"I am the LightningHunter."

"And what do you want?"

Crap, again these cunning bastards had caught me out. I had to think of something so stupid and implausible it could've only been pulled from the arse of Masashi Kishimoto.

"I have spent a hundred years doing battle with my arch-enemy, the Moose of Dunharrow," said I. "However, during my latest battle- wait, I'll flashback to it."

* * *

"It's over, Moose of Dunharrow," said I.

"Never!" screamed the Moose.

We stood at the world's highest peak, the tower of Phallicimagery, while a great battle was fought through each of the tower's six hundred and sixteen floors. The War of Phallicimagery it was called, as advancing through the tower's floors through each dark moist room, piercing our enemies with our mighty long swords and lances, had taken years before we reached a climax, and finally **we had come**.

"Your words are as empty as your soul," said I. "You are the one who killed my grandfather, the Hunter of Lightning."

"Then I will make it a family tradition," said the Moose through gritted teeth.

"You killed my grandfather. Prepare to die."

"Fuck you, LightningHunter," said the Moose. "You killed my father."

"He tried to kill me first!" I protested.

"And my wife, my children, my Auntie Mabel, Uncle Jim, Great Uncle Edd, my second cousin once removed, my father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate-"

"They all tried to kill me first!"

"If it was only self-defence, why did you then open a chain of moose serving restaurants around the world?"

"Well, I couldn't just let their bodies lie there! I'll have you know they were served with great dignity!"

The Moose took a leaflet that was stuck in its antler and read aloud: "Moose meat, served to you by clown hermaphrodites."

"Well, that's not so bad-"

"Sponsored by Piers Morgan."

"…shit, you've got me there. But too late! Now you die!"

We flew at each other in a flurry of lightning and moose hide. We fought for many episodes worth, and occasionally paused to make a dramatic speech.

However, we eventually reached the point where we did our final attacks.

Come to think of it, we probably could've saved a lot of time and episodes by just doing that from the start.

"SUPER MOTHERFUCKING HYPER SPECIAL ULTIMATE TITTY FUCKING BITCH SLAPPING GREAT AWESOME FISTFUCKINGFUL OF LIGHTNING!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Everyone knows that with these attacks, half the power comes from the vocals.

"MASSIVE INCREDIBLE PELVIC THRUSTING ZOMBIE RAPING TREMENDOUS FIREFIGHTING SHIT BLASTING MOOSE FLAMING ANTLER BOMBARDMENT- SHIT!" The Moose of Dunharrow screamed.

The two of us leapt through the air at each other, my mighty Fistful of Lightning crashing straight into its Flaming Antler Bombardment. For what felt like hours, we were stuck in midair, screaming our fucking heads off as we ground our final attacks together.

Then I felt the Moose give a little, and it was already over. I pushed just that little more- and one of the Moose's antlers cracked.

He gave an unholy screech, and then the air began to crack around us. The sky was breaking, and the next thing I knew, I had been sucked into a dark void.

* * *

"And so, upon arriving here, I discovered that the Moose of Dunharrow had allied itself with Madara Uchiha…probably," I said. "So I wish to join you in your ninjaly quest for ninjering and shit."

Tsunade had the strangest expression on your face, something a cross between puzzlement, disbelief, and "is this guy a fucking retard?". I suspect it was leaning towards the former.

"What do you think, Kakashi?"

"Well, it's the stupidest load of shit I've ever heard," said Kakashi. "I genuinely don't believe I could ever hear anything so ridiculous. It's so stupid that I don't even think that any language ever invented by humans could possibly describe just how retarded it sounds. I can actually feel my IQ plummeting as I force myself to think about that crap."

"So…?"

"So it'd fit perfectly into our storyline," Kakashi finished.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Well, I dunno, we usually just hang around and wait till the plot demands us to do something," said Kakashi.

"Er, what's this? My crazy radar has just kicked in, detecting villains in disguise…nearby!"

Naruto's eyes widened. "Hurry! We have to go take them down!"

* * *

"They were very convincing villains," said Kakashi.

Having just murdered the entire village, the four of us stood on the Hokage Monument.

"Yep," said Tsunade. "Now we have to go rescue the real villagers."

"I know, I'll create a portal to the evil cave where they're hidden with my awesome lightning powers," said I. "Awesome Ninjery Lightning Portal Thing!"

I waved my hands, but nothing happened.

"I don't see anything," said Naruto.

"Well, it's invisible to anyone who isn't a lightning hunter," I said. "It only fits two people at once, so Kakashi and Tsunade, you better go through it first."

"…where is it?" asked Tsunade.

"Well, that's a silly question," I said. "It's right ahead of you. I find speed works well when entering, so it might be a good idea to take a running leap off the monument."

The two paused.

"What?" said Tsunade.

"Sorry, but I don't jump from heights even into invisible portals," said Kakashi.

"By the way, there's a good chance the real Sasuke is with the real villagers," I mentioned.

"Come on guys, we're wasting time!" Naruto said and he shoved Kakashi and Tsunade off the monument. "Hey, it didn't work!" He said, looking back at me.

"What are you talking about, it did work!" I said. "Look over the monument. If you see red splats on the ground, it worked."

"Oh, you're right," said Naruto, looking over the monument. "Well, you better make us one as well."

I burst out laughing. "It's time. It's finally time."

"Yes, time for me to get Sasuke back so that we can get back to butt sex- I mean, rivalry and stuff."

"I meant it was time for me to kill you," I said.

Naruto gaped. "Why? No, I can't bring myself to fight my good friend!"

"When have we been friends? I've just been responsible for the death of everyone in this damn village."

Naruto Summoned a toad, mouthing off some bullshit about how he couldn't fight me. But I realised what this was really an opportunity for, a chance for me to quote one of the worst movies of all time.

"You know what happens when a toad gets hit by lightning? The same thing-"

"Don't you even fucking think about finishing that quote," the toad rumbled.

"Sorry," I said, and I blasted him off the monument in an electric shockwave.

* * *

"Hey, we survived!" said Tsunade, somehow picking herself up out of the blood.

"I know," said Kakashi, also crawling to his feet. "Incredible, I didn't think it was actually possible to-"

He noticed the growing shadow at his feet, and the two looked up to see the falling toad.

"Shit."

* * *

"WHATEVER FUCKING SUPER BRILLIANT MEGA AWESOME RASENGAN VARIATION I'VE CREATED AT THIS POINT!" Naruto screamed.

"FUCKING INCREDIBLE ULTIMATE SPECIAL HEAD BUTTING TURKEY SLAPPING TIT WANKING BALL KICKING FISTFUCKING FULL OF LIGHTNING!" I screamed back.

We met in a clash of blue light as the universe was torn apart around us, colours changing, the skies shattering like glass, the earth ripping open as volcanoes popped up like pimples on a particularly greasy thirteen year old.

But still, I felt my energy wear away. At this rate, Naruto would win, and I would fail in my quest.

It was at this point when I realised my other hand was free.

I reached forwards and poked him in the eyes, causing him to shout out, and with his focus broken- my mighty Fistful of Lightning ripped forth, tearing through his arm, sending both of us crashing back down onto the Hokage Monument.

I climbed out of the wreckage, but then the cliff began to rumble. The Monument collapsed beneath our feet, and we were falling.

* * *

Kakashi and Tsunade manage to wriggle out from under the toad. "Now we're just getting really fucking lucky," said Tsunade.

"Don't complain," said Kakashi. "You never know when-"

He cut himself off as he once again noticed a growing shadow, and they looked up to see the falling monument.

"Oh, not again."

* * *

"Grr, I'm so angry!" Naruto screamed, picking himself out of the rubble.

At this point I was worried that I'd used the word "screamed" far too much as I chronicled my adventures.

His arm had healed awfully quick, but I supposed he still had the regeneration shit going on. Or did he, I heard that he ends up killing the Kyuubi or whatever but I'm not sure if that got rid of the regeneration. Probably should've paid more attention to Phil.

"Hey Naruto! It's Sasuke!"

"Where?"

I shot forwards and kicked him in the balls, sending him crashing onto his knees. I grabbed his head.

"I'm gonna do to you what Kratos did to Helios."

For about five minutes, I stood there, mashing down the buttons in my mind as I pulled Naruto's head off his shoulders.

I turned it around so I was staring right at it. What I needed was the perfect one-liner.

Problem was, I couldn't think of one. This was awkward, now I just was staring at a dead guy's head, trying to poke fun at his death.

"Believe it!" said the head.

I screamed out, before I realised what I could do. Raising the head with one hand, and forming my Fistful of Lightning with the other, I smashed the lightning through where the head had been tore from the body, eradicating the entire head.

I fell back, exhausted, as the world began to swirl and smear, and soon I was hurtling through the universes, trapped in the surreal experiences of the cosmos that surrounded me.

* * *

"So, who is this guy, Phil?" The man in the white coat asked.

"Didn't you read the report, Barry?" said Phil, also wearing his own white coat. "His name is Lightning Hunter."

"What? I read the report, but I thought he'd just been lying when he filled it out," said Barry.

"No, it's definitely his name," said Phil, handing over a photocopy of a birth certificate belonging to Lightning Hunter, son of Lava Hunter and Sky Hunter.

"Huh," Barry said. "Well, so what, he's been here for what, a few months?"

"Yep. He's sort of a friend to me now, I don't hang out with that many other people," Phil admitted. "Isn't that right, LH?"

I thrashed around in my straitjacket. "I'm gonna murder every one of you when I get out of here!"

"I dunno, sometimes he acts as though we're childhood friends or something," said Phil. "According to him, the two of us hung out a few weeks ago, and he punched out a donkey, a nun ate his lucky boxers and I got violated by a Chihuahua. Something like that."

"I saw in the report he often raves about some manga called Naruto written by a guy called Kishimoto."

"Yeah, I looked that up. There's no such thing. I mean, there was this guy in Japan called Kishimoto who wrote some sort of oneshot manga, but he got killed in a freak lightning storm a day later. Very odd."

"How so?"

"Well, it was the middle of the day and it was sunny."

"Huh, that is weird," said Barry.

"Hey, let me out of here!" I shouted.

"Why?" Barry asked.

"Because I'm not insane anymore! Er, hearing that about Kishimoto has completely changed things! It was my parents! They abused me!"

"Huh, strange, his report said his parents were excellent," said Phil.

"No, when they blame their parents, they're cured," said Barry. "Let him out."

Phil did so, albeit reluctantly. He unlocked the doors, and released me from my straitjacket.

"Yes! I'm outta here! See ya, arseholes! There's a gap in the market which I intend to fill! Haha!" I disappeared as a bolt of lightning struck the asylum.

"So, speaking of filling things, Phil, you want to join me in my office later for some light refreshments?" asked Barry.

"By light refreshments, do you mean anal sex?" replied Phil.

"…yes."

"Yeah, alright."

* * *

"Hello, strange Japanese person!" I boomed at the terrified manga editor.

Come to think of it, I probably should've actually scheduled an appointment rather than kidnap him from his home and then suspend him upside down from a lamppost with his underpants.

"I want you to take a look at my incredible manuscript for a battle manga!" I continued. "It's all about ninjas, and it's called Naruto."

The man took it, and read through it as quickly as he could. "Huh, that's not so bad. Well, if you let me go, we'll let you run it as a one-shot, and if it does well, we'll let it get serialised."

"Excellent," I said.

* * *

Five years later, I was swimming in yen, laughing my head off.

I swam over to my laptop, and looked at the several forums and other miscellaneous sites slagging off Naruto and its mangaka LH.

"You think I give a shit?" I laughed. "I'm fucking minted on an idea that wasn't mine! I feel like a fucking film producer!"

It was then a man crashed through the window.

"LH! I'm a drug-addled fanfiction writer, who's here to kill you for the piece of shit manga you've written!" The man screamed at me. "I am Thunder Stalker!"

It was then I realised. This vicious cycle- how many times? How many times had the timeline been rewritten for another idiot to start writing Naruto? Hell, who had actually started writing that load of shit in the first place?

Who's writing this shit in the first place?

My mind was feeling like it might crack, but I knew I had to defeat Thunder Stalker and end this vicious cycle.

"GUT CHOKING BALL SLAPPING DICK WAVING SUPER WONDERFUL HYPER FOOTFUCKINGFUL OF THUNDER!" Thunder Stalker screamed at me, as he raised his foot.

I took a deep breath as I readied myself for my final battle.

"MAJOR INCREDIBLE FANTASTIC AMAZING HONEY BADGER KILLING SNAKE CHARMING FIST-FUCKING-FUL OF-LIGHTNING!"

Everything was over.

_

* * *

_

Does not compute…does not compute…does not compute…

* * *

And as the universes were destroyed, they faded away, to reveal the following words on a blue background:

**The Universes**

**An error has occurred. To continue:**

**Press Enter to return to your world, or **

**Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to restart the universes. If you do this, you will lose any unsaved information in all open realities.**

**Error: YOU-BROKE-THE-FUCKING-UNIVERSES-DICKHEAD**

**Press any key to continue _**


End file.
